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Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Journey to Becoming a Good Mother, Wife & Person

I've started this post in my head more times than I can count. I've also started actually writing it several times and never hit the "post" button.  My mind has been so cluttered lately that I can't stay on task, I constantly feel stressed and flustered, I don't feel like I get anything done, and I don't feel like I'm being a very good mother or wife.  Earlier this week I was ready to quit blogging because I thought that was the right thing to do but thankfully I didn't post that one either. The truth is, I just have a million things running through my mind and the bottom line is that I need to focus on just being me and not trying to be someone I'm not.

I considered closing up shop because I feel like I can't post if it's not perfect.  I feel like I can't make a dinner without making sure it's blog worthy and of course snapping pictures.  Pinterest, and blog reading for that matter, while inspirational to some extent, is also very addicting and mind numbing. It numbs the creative part of my mind that allows me to think for myself. To me it's like a gigantic crutch that I can lean on when I need an idea for a party, a recipe, an outfit, or any other quick fix. What did we do before Pinterest and blogs? We thought of these ideas all by ourselves.

I'm not opposed to using it for inspiration and some people can do just that.  Just not me.  I see all these great ideas and immediately put them on my mental "To Do List" that keeps growing and growing. I can't think about a birthday party without thinking it has to be spectacular and grandiose. I can't think about decorating a room in my house without thinking it needs to be magazine worthy when I get finished. But at the end of the day, does my family think any less of me if I don't have Southern Living calling to photograph my space? Do they care if my party gets featured on Hostess With the Mostess? Are you kidding, they likely don't know either exist.

What they do know exists is their Mom. In the flesh, just as she is, Mom. However their Mom has been crippled with these preconceived notions of trying to be someone else as of late and I've lost sight of the very precious time that I'm missing with the boys.

I've put so much undue stress upon myself to perfectly decorate the house that I haven't even welcomed friends over to see our new home because it's not yet perfect. You know what? It never will be because someone lives there. I know that's okay but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it a lot and wishing it was perfect.

So instead of going home at lunch to eat with my family, I've been opting to run errands searching for the perfect fillers for my bookshelves. Instead of reading Colin an extra story at night, I've rushed them to bed so I can spend a few extra minutes on Pinterest or blog surfing. But what does a well-decorated house even mean if you don't have a family to live there?

I want to stop trying to fill these huge shoes and be content with who I am. I want to search for my purpose in this world and I know interior design, nor photography is part of my purpose. I want to expose myself and my children to lots of different things and grow and learn in the process. All of these things are hard to do with a stressed and cloudy mind.

I know I'm not alone in this journey to be a better mom, wife, and person. Within the last couple weeks, I have come across no less than a dozen different women in the same boat. A friend emailed this article to me yesterday and boy, did it hit home. I wanted to go wake my children up so that I could hold them close. It made me want to stop getting upset over silly things that Colin does and appreciate that he's learning and that he's a kid!

Another friend wrote this post today about being a perfectionist, which I could totally relate to. She also referenced this post which was the final straw for me. This quote rang so true to me.


How many times have you heard a mother of grown children tell you "enjoy every minute while they're young because they'll be grown up before you know it"? Every time I hear that I feel like I'm not doing enough. They're not saying I have to take my children on an amazing adventure every day and photograph every minute along the way. They're telling me to allow myself to enjoy the little moments and not get so bogged down with everything else. They want me to look Colin in the eyes when he's talking to me about some action figure that I know nothing about and experience the novelty and innocence of his little mind. They want me to stop washing the dishes and go sit with him when he's tired and just wants his mommy to sit with him on the couch. They want me to let him stay up an extra 5 minutes to see the joy and excitement in his eyes that he gets to stay up late! They want me to stop long enough from preparing dinner to give hugs and kisses and hear about his day. They want me to slow down so that I don't miss a minute of the journey.

I don't want to look back in 30 years and wish I would have been more present when the children were young. I don't want to recall the times when I was so frustrated and stressed that I yelled instead of just walking away. I don't want to wish I had taught my children how to love, I want them to know the meaning of true love so that they can share that with their families one day.

There's a lot that goes into being a parent. More than anyone ever told me about but it's not something you can really explain. There is no owners manual that comes with children because just as every child is different, so are the parents and so are the ways they chose to raise the child. I certainly don't know all the answers, nor will I ever, but I can be myself because I think my mom did a pretty good job instilling love in me (:


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26 comments:

  1. I don't know how to say this, but I'm glad we seemed to both be in the same places, mentally, the last few weeks. I read the three articles/ blogs I linked to within a day and it finally hit home that I need to take a step back and unload. I am still on FB and blogs, but I "quit" Pinterest a few months ago because it was too much for me and put me in a "bad place" where I felt inferior everytime I logged in. And, like you said, what did we do before those days? We came up with ideas on our own and used our own creative juices. So, I'm letting them flow : )

    This weekend was a "lazy" weekend in our house, which still means we ran a ton of errands, tidied the house, did laundry, oranized Anna's winter and spring and summer clothing, had a date night, played as a family, shopped for and prep'ed meal ingredients for the week, assembled a new riding toy ... I could go on and on. There's just literally not enough time in the day for everything, so you have to give in to what is most important - family, friends and making yourself happy.

    Thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only overwhelmed Mom out there!

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    1. Yes, if I've learned one thing, it's that we are not alone in our motherly woes. Every time I feel like I'm the only one experiencing something, I find at least one or two other people feeling the same way.

      It is overwhelming but we essentially doubled our load the moment we found out we were pregnant. Our responsibilities grew exponentially!

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  2. Amen, sister!!! Been having lots of those same thoughts lately. I always seem to be too busy to have lunch with a friend, schedule a play date for Sam or just enjoy a day playing outside with him. There's this constant to do list running through my head. (Especially the closer we get to Little Girl's D Day!!!) And really is it the end of the world if she doesn't have a magazine worthy nursery or of Sam's birthday party decorations aren't featured on some party website? At least we recognize the problem. That's the first step. :)

    P.S. if it will make it easier for you, we'll just show up at your house sometime. Shock therapy. :)

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    1. You're welcome anytime! You guys were some of the very people I was referring to! So you don't need an invitation, come as you are, we'll always welcome you (: Just be prepared to dodge Robin, the Joker, a Bat Cave and other various items!

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  3. One of the best books I've read advised that we should just "be present." When I find myself thinking about something other than what I'm doing, I remind myself to stay in the moment, not yesterday, not tomorrow or even later in the day. Just "be present." And by the way, you are perfect just like you are.

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    1. Thank you. You always give the best advice. You're so right though, I do feel like I'm always planning for my next move and not enjoying the moment I'm in. Again, thanks!

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  4. Oh, how I can relate to this! I think most women can relate to this! But I've been working a lot in the past year to be the best me I can be, and let the rest just fall into place. For me, that has meant trying to stop controlling everything, trying to enjoy every day and living more in the moment. In my quest for perfection, I realized I was watching life just pass me by. And I also realized that I'll only be a great mom and a great wife if I'm happy - and only I can make myself happy. It's not always easy, but it's something I'm working on. So believe me, you are NOT alone!

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    1. You are so right and why it took me this long to understand and appreciate that is beyond me. But I know it know and you hit the nail on the head when you said you could only be a great mom and wife if you were happy! So true!!

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  5. Danielle! I assure you that your friends don't love you because you're perfect, they love you because you are YOU! They aren't coming over to point out the flaws of a new home you *just* moved into--they want to celebrate your gorgeous home with you! A home, or even a room, that truly reflects your family, develops over time. In layers. One of the downsides to Pinterest and blogs is that you often don't get a sense of how long these magazine worthy spaces took to come together.

    I'm hosting a couples wedding shower this weekend for our babysitter (16 people?) and I'm trying to shake the idea that I *need* labels from Etsy or any sort of tissue paper pouf for anyone to have a good time. ;-)

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    1. You're totally right, when you see a picture of a room you love, you don't consider how long it took to look like that. We are such a society of instant gratification and I think subconsciously I think these rooms all happened overnight!

      Your friends will have a great time without the frilly extras (that will end up in the trash at the end of the night anyways!). Have fun!

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  6. Girl ... HOLLA!!!! I am WITH YOU. As they say, "something's gotta give." And someone needs to get her sleep back (ie me ... and maybe you too!). Love on those sweet boys. And text me for midday LOLing!

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  7. {hugs!}
    i know my happiest moments are not usually blogged about! guess what? i colored eggs with my daughter (it was actually after easter day) but i didn't blog about it, i also don't have any pictures to prove it happened... but it did and it was fun! LOL!
    you are fabulous! i know you are more than what i see on your blog! and just so you know i am totally jealous of your madd cooking skillz! we constantly eat take-out because i am too lazy to cook! nobody is perfect (even though they may seem that way through their blog) we all have our struggles!

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    1. So true. It's hard to capture yourself having fun if you're also the one holding the camera! Thank you also for your kind words about my cooking. It is something I love and I'm happy to be able to pass that on to my family!

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  8. Fantastic post. I think all of us bloggers go through this journey. Its tough! The balance of pursuing creativity and having an outlet and yet not becoming so engulfed in it that we lose sight of those around us. At a conference recently someone said something that just clicked with me. They said "social media never sleeps." At that moment, I got it. The blog, the numbers, twitter, FB, pinterest, etc.. they are always going and people are always posting and it just never ends. But I have to step away and realize I cannot keep up with it nor need to even try.
    We should do lunch together soon. Would you be up for that?

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    1. So true, the internet world never ceases. It also never has to stop to wipe the tears away, cook dinner, or go to the bathroom!

      Definitely, let's do lunch!

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  9. Danielle, I think that every mother relates to this. My husband and I work at the same place, so typically carpool, but the last two weeks have been so busy that we've had to take separate cars to get it all done. This morning we actually got to drive together, which meant that we got to drop the kids off at school together. When we told them that we were taking the same car, the kids broke out in spontaneous dance...and my heart broke that such a simple thing could give them such pleasure. We're trying to work things out so that our schedules aren't so hectic. :-)

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    1. You're right and I'm finding that out more and more every day. It is comforting to know I'm not alone in this crazy hectic motherhood world! I hope you're able to work out your schedules so your kids can ride with you both in the mornings - how sweet that they enjoy that so much!

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  10. What perfect timing to come upon your blog post tonight. I read the Power of Moms article this week and it totally hit home with me......although I'm still pinning away on Pinterest ;). Guilty! I can relate to all that you are saying. In fact, I texted two of my mom friends today with something like this: Seriously, how do you do it? I only have one child, she goes to pre-K part time and doesn't have nightly homework (my mom keeps her the other days), she only has one activity, which is on Friday morning but I still feel like I am being run ragged. After Ella went to bed I had my own meltdown and told Phil I am completely overwhelmed and I don't know how to handle it or what to do.....I don't know.....a life coach?

    I can't do it all, but I try. And I'm like you in that I give so much effort that I want it to be "perfect" when really my family could care less. They just want me.

    Thank you for being so transparent.

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    1. They do just want you and you are a great mom and wife! I read something today that said that you learn more about yourself in the first years of being a mom than any other time. So true! She also said that she could see herself coming out in her children and a lot of times it wasn't for the best. Again, so true. When I'm frustrated or tired, I can see the same emotions playing out in Colin's behavior. I hate that I'm teaching him to be impatient, frustrated, or even to raise your voice when you're angry. This learning curve thing is larger than I ever dreamed it would be! Hang in there, I've had the same conversation with Wes that you had with Phil. Maybe we just need to get together to bounce things off each other and to reassure each other that we're not in this alone!

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  11. Great post Danielle. That's actually one of the reasons I haven't been posting. I felt like everything I did, and we did as a family, I was thinking...could this be a blog post? While I miss blogging at times, (and of course feel guilty because I'm not documenting Peyton like I was Bailey) it's been really nice.

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    1. Nicole~ I miss your family on the blog world!! I hope your littles are doing well :) I would love to see how grown up Bailey is getting and what Peyton has been up too! Keep your blog for your own memories and don't worry about anyone else!!

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  12. I tried to comment on this post earlier this week but it wouldn't let me.... however I shared the article that you listed on facebook because I thought it was so good!!! You are a super mom- working full time, blogging to keep a journey of the fun things your family does, and supporting other moms by being so transparent. I had to cut WAY back on facebook, never join pinterest in the first place, and really keep my blog for my family (not to gain a big audience of strangers). Try to keep it all in perspective and remember that Colin and Sawyer want you... your time....your love!! Thanks for your honesty!

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  13. Yep! Great post! I read the same article and if I had read it a month or so ago I might have been even more down on myself but, I chose to change my priorities back in January and am pleased. Hence why I have been a little MIA on my blog. Something had to give. Now instead of rushing for the camera and stressing before dinner, or staying up too late to get all so important posted and being cranky in the morning- I'm there for my family. I started running early in the mornings too to help with my stress and fatigue levels. So, guess I could say that I chose my family and myself over all the "hobbies" I have. :)

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    1. I am hearing that more and more and I think I've had to learn the hard way that I can only spread myself so thin without compromising who I am. Something else I've struggled with my whole life is quality over quantity and it's amazing how that rears it's little head everywhere you look! Thanks for your comment (:

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  14. hi danielle ~ just catching up on your blog...typing with one hand bc the other is around charlie as we snuggle on the couch. higglytown heros for him, blogs for me. this was an awesome post and your emotions are likely shared by every other blogger, pinner, blog reader, etc. "comparison is the thief of joy" ~ think i pinned that. so true, though. at the end of the day we all want the same thing ~ to create warm, happy homes and be good wives and mothers, but then we hold onto these unrealistic ideas of what that should look like. most of us struggle to find the right balance. some days, some weeks, even some years I would say, are easier than others. there are different seasons of motherhood and parenting, and marriage too. and as much as i love decorating, blogging, taking pictures, etc I've found that even when those things are at their best it makes absolutely no difference to how happy we are as a family. we could live in a nicer home, have more money, have a better wardrobe and nothing would really change. i'd still have two hungry faces needing three meals a day, and piles of laundry, and we'd still end each week with pizza and a movie. it is sometimes hard to lose that perspective, but it is clear you know your priorities and they are well placed. enjoy the journey. xo, tessa
    ps. and yes, "be yourself because everyone else is already taken" ~ another pin, i have a problem :)

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  15. So beautifully said, Danielle. I started my blog shortly before my youngest started kindergarten. With both of mine in school, it has been easier for me to do and not feel like I'm taking time away from the kids. After reading your post, I've vowed to be super conscientious about when I blog this summer. Thanks for reminding me not to miss out on all the great times with them!

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