I considered closing up shop because I feel like I can't post if it's not perfect. I feel like I can't make a dinner without making sure it's blog worthy and of course snapping pictures. Pinterest, and blog reading for that matter, while inspirational to some extent, is also very addicting and mind numbing. It numbs the creative part of my mind that allows me to think for myself. To me it's like a gigantic crutch that I can lean on when I need an idea for a party, a recipe, an outfit, or any other quick fix. What did we do before Pinterest and blogs? We thought of these ideas all by ourselves.
I'm not opposed to using it for inspiration and some people can do just that. Just not me. I see all these great ideas and immediately put them on my mental "To Do List" that keeps growing and growing. I can't think about a birthday party without thinking it has to be spectacular and grandiose. I can't think about decorating a room in my house without thinking it needs to be magazine worthy when I get finished. But at the end of the day, does my family think any less of me if I don't have Southern Living calling to photograph my space? Do they care if my party gets featured on Hostess With the Mostess? Are you kidding, they likely don't know either exist.
What they do know exists is their Mom. In the flesh, just as she is, Mom. However their Mom has been crippled with these preconceived notions of trying to be someone else as of late and I've lost sight of the very precious time that I'm missing with the boys.
I've put so much undue stress upon myself to perfectly decorate the house that I haven't even welcomed friends over to see our new home because it's not yet perfect. You know what? It never will be because someone lives there. I know that's okay but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it a lot and wishing it was perfect.
So instead of going home at lunch to eat with my family, I've been opting to run errands searching for the perfect fillers for my bookshelves. Instead of reading Colin an extra story at night, I've rushed them to bed so I can spend a few extra minutes on Pinterest or blog surfing. But what does a well-decorated house even mean if you don't have a family to live there?
I want to stop trying to fill these huge shoes and be content with who I am. I want to search for my purpose in this world and I know interior design, nor photography is part of my purpose. I want to expose myself and my children to lots of different things and grow and learn in the process. All of these things are hard to do with a stressed and cloudy mind.
I know I'm not alone in this journey to be a better mom, wife, and person. Within the last couple weeks, I have come across no less than a dozen different women in the same boat. A friend emailed this article to me yesterday and boy, did it hit home. I wanted to go wake my children up so that I could hold them close. It made me want to stop getting upset over silly things that Colin does and appreciate that he's learning and that he's a kid!
Another friend wrote this post today about being a perfectionist, which I could totally relate to. She also referenced this post which was the final straw for me. This quote rang so true to me.
How many times have you heard a mother of grown children tell you "enjoy every minute while they're young because they'll be grown up before you know it"? Every time I hear that I feel like I'm not doing enough. They're not saying I have to take my children on an amazing adventure every day and photograph every minute along the way. They're telling me to allow myself to enjoy the little moments and not get so bogged down with everything else. They want me to look Colin in the eyes when he's talking to me about some action figure that I know nothing about and experience the novelty and innocence of his little mind. They want me to stop washing the dishes and go sit with him when he's tired and just wants his mommy to sit with him on the couch. They want me to let him stay up an extra 5 minutes to see the joy and excitement in his eyes that he gets to stay up late! They want me to stop long enough from preparing dinner to give hugs and kisses and hear about his day. They want me to slow down so that I don't miss a minute of the journey.
I don't want to look back in 30 years and wish I would have been more present when the children were young. I don't want to recall the times when I was so frustrated and stressed that I yelled instead of just walking away. I don't want to wish I had taught my children how to love, I want them to know the meaning of true love so that they can share that with their families one day.
There's a lot that goes into being a parent. More than anyone ever told me about but it's not something you can really explain. There is no owners manual that comes with children because just as every child is different, so are the parents and so are the ways they chose to raise the child. I certainly don't know all the answers, nor will I ever, but I can be myself because I think my mom did a pretty good job instilling love in me (: