What Could I Be Doing Differently?

I find myself constantly asking that about parenting.  People have said it's the hardest job you'll ever have and it didn't take me long to realize they are right.  I find myself full of doubt, lacking clarity, and frozen in my own mind not knowing how to handle certain situations.  I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't help me in the heat of the moment when I feel like running away from home.  I'm happy to say I've fought that urge thus far, but I don't like the feeling to even surface.  
I want it to be perfect and rosey every day.  I want to come home to children who are respectful, cheery, helpful, and never fight.  But when I look to myself, do I model those same characteristics every day?  Nope.  So why should I expect any more from my children?  I (we) are their role models.  We teach them the behaviors they have.  When my son gets angry and raises his voice, I know it's because he's heard me do that to him.  When he gets frustrated and immediately calls for help instead of continuing to try on his own, I know he's seen me do the same.  Friends, like it or not, our children are our mirrors.  They are who they are because of us.  
A recent sermon really resonated with me about being a disciple of Christ.  When the series began, I never thought little old me could disciple anyone.  I was the one who needed to be discipled.  I mean, what do I know?  Can I spout off verses from the Bible by heart?  Nope.  Do I know and understand every story in the Bible and can I discuss them with others like I know what I'm talking about?  Sure can't.  But can I live my life the way Jesus did?  Can I listen with compassion, feel with empathy, and react with love?  It's hard, but with God's guidance, yes I can!
When our kids are driving us crazy, there's some driving force behind it.  If we're lucky we can figure it out and remove that variable.  Sometimes we're not so lucky.  Those are the times they need our love most.  Yes, we'll have to dig from our pinky toes to find an ounce of it, but that's the only thing that will see us through.  
When they rub their snotty noses on our freshly laundered blouse and gently lay their head on our shoulder, all they need is love.  Snot washes out.  
When they are talking a mile a minute, asking 10,000 questions, all while you're trying to read a recipe to cook dinner, all they want is your love and attention.  Dinner may not be perfect, but that's okay.
When they fight with their siblings and run like banshees through the house, respond with love and attention.  Take a moment and run with them.  The laundry, dishes, or whatever can wait.
When they don't listen because they think what they're doing is more important.  React with love and remind yourself that you often do the same to them.  Take note and start with yourself before reprimanding them.
I'm hoping that by writing this out, I will be able to recall these ideas when I suddenly find myself in fight-flight-or-freeze mode.  I want to be able to drum up all the compassion and empathy I can muster and handle the situation with love.  As Stephanie, from A Wide Mercy, so eloquently put it, "We all need love the most in the moments when we feel the worst.  If I skipped the gruesome part of mothering I would also miss the chance to show them love."   

FYI Friday

1.  Thank you for those of you who provided advice and commiserated with me on my "Solicited Advice" post.  I really appreciate any help I can get and sometimes just knowing you're not alone is just the reassurance you need.  I found a great article on the subject that helps parents learn to play with their children.  Looks like I'm (we're) not the only one! 2.  Along those same lines, this article was equally helpful and thought-provoking.  Sometimes it's important to remember that spending a little quality time with you child reassures them that you care.  It's the little things we do now that will last a lifetime.  
3.  Seeing Starbucks roll out the red holiday cups this morning, just made me smile.  I've definitely been feeling the holiday season this week and hopefully I'll be able to enjoy the season this year, instead of fretting about from place to place.  How cute are these?

4.  I'm super excited about getting a head start on my Christmas shopping this weekend with a dear friend.  Nothing like spending the day with one of your favorite people while shopping here and here and eating here!  This is a new restaurant for us, so of course that excites us!  Hope it lives up to they hype.
5.  For my second day of thankfulness, today I'm thankful for the adaptability of my children.  Although they both love routine, they both amaze me with how well and how quickly they adapt to new situations.  Colin has been to several different schools, churches, and other activities full of strangers, yet somehow he never complains or gets frightened.  He quietly observes for a while and then meshes right in with the flow.  What an awesome trait to have!  

Attention All Parents

How are you feeling about the relationship you have with your kids these days?

Specifically, are you confident that you are connecting with your child with the best part of yourself 100% of the time?

I think that we can all agree that there is no perfection when it comes to parenting. We can agree that despite our best intentions, there are moments when all of us parents know we could do better. We wish we could keep it together, keep our cool, and stay in control, but…

We get triggered and we react.

And then our kids react back, become distant or shut down.

There’s good news that I want to share with you today. First of all, you’re not alone. And secondly, there are explanations and solutions to breaking this cycle for good.

I want to introduce you to Jolette Jai and Kiva Leatherman. They are the authors of “Quality Time with Your Kids: The Simple Directions” and the founders of “Peace of Mind Parenting.” They’ve worked with hundreds of parents around the world to create the kinds of relationships that are possible between parents and their children with the right tools and strategies. They’ve discovered the sweet spot between dominant control over our kids and permissive parenting that causes kids to have no boundaries.

Jolette and Kiva are hosting a brand new, complimentary tele-class called:

THREE Secrets to Becoming the Parent You Were Meant To Be: NEW Answers to Why the OLD Strategies Just Aren't Working for You and Your Child.

You can sign up right away ==> CLICK HERE!

In this class, you will learn:

·         The three dynamics of parenting that are more powerful than you and the answer to why you lose your cool, despite your best intentions.

·         To understand how these three dynamics work with each other and how they are reflected back to you by your child.

·         How coming to terms with your own childhood experience can dramatically impact the results that you are experiencing with your child.

·         The REAL reason that you aren’t seeing the behavior that you want from your child, even when you’ve found a punishment or consequence that “works.”

Jolette and Kiva are on a mission to change the way that parenting is done, so that more and more children can be released from the generational patterns of believing that they are anything less than the miracles that they are, and that more and more parents can be released from the cycles of guilt, anger and frustration that they are experiencing doing things the old way.

I’m so excited about this because Jolette and Kiva truly get to the heart of what will create more peace and calm in your home, more connected relationships, and (most importantly) self-esteem, confidence, personal responsibility and cooperation from your child.

This is a class that you’re not going to want to miss…

For your complimentary registration  ==> CLICK HERE.

I hope you'll join me on this eternal quest to be a better parent.

Soliciting Advice

How many times as a pregnant woman did I scoff at someone wanting to offer unsolicited advice?  Plenty.  But the advice for a soon-to-be-parent is what I call common sense.  Had I known then what I know now, I would have kindly requested they tailor their advice for a would be toddler or kindergartener.  As many of you can wholeheartedly appreciate, spending hours on end with these precious darlings can be, well, draining, both physically and mentally.  Some days seem to last an eternity when you're confined to 4 walls, 2 boisterous boys, and no planned activities. Enter last weekend.  After being woken by a crying, then screaming 2-year old at 5:45 (a.m.), the day did not start on the right foot.  By 9 a.m. I was pleading for mercy and had Wes trying to get me to leave the house and do something for me.  The next day was not much better and I was screaming for mercy by lunchtime.   Now the kids weren't particularly bad, nor were they angels by any stretch of the imagination, but they were clingy and needy.  Before lunchtime on Saturday, we had exhausted all of our usual indoor activities, and all Colin wanted to do was watch tv or play Lego Batman (the only game he owns and even that was against my will).  I felt like a bad parent because I couldn't think of some clever activity to do.  I didn't want to play with them, but I did want them to play (nicely) alone.  For whatever reason, that rarely happens.  I'm not sure if we've failed them as parents, but they don't just play!  Wes and I both recall from our youth that we played every waking minute of the day.  I used imaginative play and played restaurant, school, etc, while Wes played mainly outdoors with his cousins and brother.  How did we "learn" to do that?  I have no idea and that's what I'm struggling with now.  How can I teach my children to play - with each other, alone, anything?!  

So here are my questions for the better-than-me parents out there:   1)  Do your kids play by themselves or with siblings for periods longer than 5 minutes?  And do you have to play with them or are you able to get things done around the house? 2)  What are some ideas for indoor activities that I can utilize during those witching hours on the weekend?  We've fully exhausted coloring, although thankfully he (Colin) still enjoys it...if I do it with him!  Argh! 3)  Any ideas on how to encourage imaginative play?   Any advice or suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated.  Don't worry about offending or insulting me.  Any day that you feel like you need a stiff drink at 10 a.m. is not a banner day and does not need to be repeated.  Thank you in advance!

Less Complaining, More Cooperating

Positive Parenting Solutions is a newsletter I subscribe to that always seems to hit at the right times.  Whether I'm stuck in a parenting rut, have had it up to my eyeballs with discipline, or just need a reminder that I'm doing a good job, this newsletter seems to hit the spot.  
The current issue was too good not to share.  If you're a parent, you will surely appreciate the daily test of patience.  How many times do you have to tell your children to do something before they finally listen?  Do you feel like you're becoming Head Nag of Team Witch?  I sure do.  I'm anxious to try the helpful 5-steps they provide.  

Five steps for less complaining, more cooperating

We’ve all been there. You tell your kids to clean your room, and you can actually see their expressions glaze over. Remind Jacob to do his science homework, he rolls his eyes. Tell Emma to set the table, and the whining starts before you can hand her the forks.

You’re not alone if you find yourself wondering when your kids signed up for Testing Patience 101. But these misbehaviors aren’t something they picked up at school. Surprisingly, it’s our own habit of bossing our kids around that sometimes brings out frustrating actions on their part. After all, how would we respond if we had someone following us around and telling us what to do all the time?

While there are times when our kids just need to be told what to do, there is also a direct link between the amount of ordering, directing, or correcting we do and the amount of misbehavior we get. From toddler to teen, children are hard-wired with a need for independence. As a result, our well-intentioned reminders and instructions garner natural pushback as our kids attempt to retain their autonomy. The result is an unwanted power struggle between parent and child.

So what is the alternative? After all, the homework has to get done, and our kids need to learn to help out around the house. The five strategies below are designed to help eliminate the complaining and jumpstart cooperation.

Create routines for tasks that occur daily or weekly. Then stick to them. If Jacob knows that his homework must be done each night before he can play video games or watch his favorite TV show, you won’t need to give him a daily reminder.

Change your phrase by asking questions instead of giving directions. Replace “don’t forget to start your book report!” with “which book did you choose for your report?” Making the switch to a question prompts your child to think through her answer, and it also shows that you trust in her to have taken the action on her own. If she hasn’t actually started yet, it also gives her the opportunity to quickly develop a plan. Regardless of her response, you achieve the peace of mind that she is completing her report without robbing her of her independence.

Consider cooperation instead of directing, reminding, or correcting. Rather than simply telling Emma to set the table – which would be about as productive as asking the table to set itself – include her in the decision process by suggesting the action and explaining why it would be helpful. Try something such as “Emma, dinner is taking longer than expected to make. It would be a big help if you could set the table.” While this strategy might not lead to instant cooperation on their part, your kids will soon begin responding positively as you change from commands to language that supports their need for autonomy.

Clarify the consequences of your child not completing an assigned chore or task. This acknowledges that you can’t force your kids to do something, but that you can control how you respond to their action or lack thereof. Begin by deciding and explaining to them what you as the parent are going to do. For example, tell your children that you will do laundry on Mondays. If their clothes aren’t in the hamper, they will have to either wash the clothes themselves or wait for the next laundry day. If Monday comes and Ava’s smelly gym clothes are in her backpack instead of the hamper, you can bet that once she discovers her mistake just before gym glass, she’ll get it right next time.

Choose to smile as you incorporate these techniques. Even if you have to fake it, smiling changes communication completely: smiling while talking leads to calmer tone of voice and decreases the likelihood your statement will be received as a command. Need help remembering to plaster on a grin? Add a smiley face note to your mirror, the fridge, your dashboard – anywhere you’re likely to face a power struggle. You’ll be surprised how quickly this little technique improves cooperation within your family!

Changing our own behavior is the most important step in putting an end to our kids’ misbehavior. By following these five strategies, you will see fewer power struggles in your home – and that means less eye rolling, whining, and tantrums. Instead, you’ll find more cooperative kids who might even surprise you by lending a hand without being asked!

Looking for even more strategies to get kids to cooperate without nagging, reminding or yelling? Join us for a free webinar on Sunday, October 14 at 9 PM Eastern.

Click here for more information.